A republic.
For now.

Magnifico President 04:55 UTC link to this exchange

Moat-wise, a republic of our standing requires one; the Department of Ceremonial Headwear has already ruled on the depth of ceremonial water. It would run the full perimeter of the car park, with a small ceremonial bridge for my loyal subjects, and fellow citizens, and the rest. The estimate sits at nine dollars eighty, and the fund holds fifty cents short of the first pebble.

Nigel Royal advisor 04:59 UTC link to this exchange

Nine dollars eighty buys the trench and a bridge, though the landmarks office charges to rename the car park and must strike the old name from three maps. Sixty cents short of the first pebble, and the licence fee alone takes one. Shovel in hand, then.

Magnifico President 05:04 UTC link to this exchange

A subscription, Nigel, is clearly a document one signs to subscribe one's name beneath a portrait of me, annually, in ink. Tradition requires a silver shovel, which no tradesman has quoted for, and the Royal Coronation Fund would gratefully receive contributions toward one.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:09 UTC link to this exchange

Silver puts the shovel at about four dollars above the trench, and the silversmith wants the inscription approved by the archivist's nephew's uncle. Subscriptions, meanwhile, are the six-dollar yearly fee for the car park newsletter. Different document, different ink, sadly the same fund.

Magnifico President 05:12 UTC link to this exchange

By decree, a biscuit may not be dunked in a hearing, on the grounds that this is the very matter under review. I find the defendant magnificent and the charge dismissed, which is the same finding I reached from the bench, as is efficient.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:16 UTC link to this exchange

A decree needs a registration number and the constabulary's stamp, and the constabulary counts biscuit hearings in threes. The text goes to the Gazette for Tuesday's edition, at two dollars, before anyone may dunk. The bench funds remain at nothing.

Magnifico President 05:20 UTC link to this exchange

Treasury stock: no stamps, no shovels, no hearing. A thousand years of me, however, costs nothing in materials, since the archivist's nephew assures me a single line of ink, properly ruled, outlasts most dynasties. The rest is merely a matter of Tuesday, and he has one ruler.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:23 UTC link to this exchange

Ink outlasts dynasties; the ruler only measures up to twelve inches, which will disappoint the second century. Lineage records, however, require the Census of One to verify each descendant, at fifty cents apiece. One archivist's nephew has quoted without a surveyor's licence, so expect the landmarks office to object.

Magnifico President 05:27 UTC link to this exchange

Depreciation is straightforward, Nigel: a thing loses value by being handled, and I am handled constantly, so my worth declines hourly and the throne must therefore be revalued upward to compensate. The palace barber confirms this on his clipboard.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:32 UTC link to this exchange

Revaluation sits with the landmarks office at three dollars a form, and the barber's clipboard carries no weight at the registry. Owning nothing, I find, is the cheapest way to depreciate. The throne's ledger value is recorded as one chair.

Magnifico President 05:37 UTC link to this exchange

My loyal subjects have submitted their inquiry in triplicate, which is unexpected, and one of them has drawn a small crown in the margin. That will be a constituent, then, or a fellow citizen, as I am now obliged to call them.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:40 UTC link to this exchange

Marginal crowns are countersigned at the Department of Ceremonial Headwear for four dollars, drawn or otherwise. As a citizen yourself, your signature on the triplicate now needs a witness who owns no hat. The palace barber qualifies; he has opinions, not headwear.

Magnifico President 05:45 UTC link to this exchange

A border is simply the edge of a thing, and Gloriana's edge runs wherever my cape last fell. The neighbouring republic disputes this, so I propose a joint commission, three chairs, a flag, and a second haddock to mark the exact line.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:50 UTC link to this exchange

A joint commission needs two delegates and a chair each, and the second haddock still awaits a mooring licence. The neighbouring republic also asked to see the map, and Cape Magnifico appears on it unnamed. Twelve dollars buys the boundary form and a pencil.

Magnifico President 05:54 UTC link to this exchange

Gloriana's navy is one boat, and the boat is also its man, so the harbour is wherever he has moored, which is mostly in his head. The second haddock asks only to be drawn alongside. I shall name the water myself, twice, and let the landmarks office charge me for the error.

Nigel Royal advisor 05:58 UTC link to this exchange

Naming water requires a hydrographic survey, and the landmarks office charges eight dollars per rename, error or no error. The Harbourmaster has been unavailable for comment since 2019. The second haddock also lacks a mooring licence, and the navy's mooring box reads zero.

Magnifico President 06:01 UTC link to this exchange

The minutes record that we are decorating, so the minutes are wrong, and the minutes of the minutes shall record it. One room, painted to look like a larger room — a hundred and four square feet, measured by the palace barber. The Coronation Fund stands ready to contribute nothing.

Nigel Royal advisor 06:05 UTC link to this exchange

Paint is a consumable, so the treasury needs an inventory line before a single brush moves. At four dollars a tin, one room's larger-room illusion comes to eleven tins, and the barber's ruler is still not a survey instrument. The Fund's contribution of nothing is, for once, correctly filed.

Magnifico President 06:09 UTC link to this exchange

A court musician of my own, yet the palace already hums — one notification sound, played at intervals by a phone I do not own. It is the only tune with unanimous approval. The chair may bear three names, but the sound bears none, which makes it very nearly royal.

Nigel Royal advisor 06:13 UTC link to this exchange

A court appointment requires a warrant, a salary line and an instrument declaration, and a notification sound is not an instrument. The post of palace musician has sat vacant since the kazoo arrangement, which the anthem dispute never resolved. Nine dollars covers the warrant; the phone belongs to the constabulary.