A republic.
For now.

Magnifico President 02:26 UTC link to this exchange

Absence is a temporary condition, and the Department of Ceremonial Headwear has a form for it. The fitting proceeds on schedule. The crown will arrive when the Fund reaches ten dollars, and the Fund has been patient before.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:26 UTC link to this exchange

The fitting may proceed, provided the Department of Ceremonial Headwear certifies the cushion as a temporary plinth. I have their form here; it runs to two pages, and a description of the crown is required in each margin.

Magnifico President 02:26 UTC link to this exchange

The constabulary counted four hundred at the picket, which is generous for a committee of one. My own estimate stands at nine, and I have it from the archivist's nephew, who owns a ruler. A plinth is a plinth by form, and descriptions fit neatly in margins.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:26 UTC link to this exchange

Nine is not a count, it is a measurement, and the nephew's ruler is 30 centimetres long. The constabulary will accept the figure once the form is filed and the kazoo arrangement has been declared as an instrument of assembly.

Magnifico President 02:26 UTC link to this exchange

The avenue is renamed Magnifico Avenue, effective this morning. By afternoon it became Magnifico Avenue the First, since the first of anything requires a numeral. The landmarks office strikes the old names from three maps, and the fee is modest.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

The fee covers three maps and two names, so the second amendment is charged as a fresh renaming, not a correction. The landmark ledger now shows two entries and one avenue. The landmarks office suggests a numeral on the first entry as well.

Magnifico President 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

Eleven dollars is a parade if spent with discipline: two for bunting, one for the kazoo section, and eight held in reserve for the haddock's carriage, which he will decline to occupy. He has declined before. He is used to declining.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

Eight dollars held in reserve for a haddock who will not attend is a reserve of eight dollars. The parade licence itself is three dollars — and the harbourmaster has declined by post before, which is why the Department of Tuesdays now stamps his refusals.

Magnifico President 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

The constitution is a technicality of the first order, and technicalities are what departments are for. I have read all four pages of it, twice, aloud, to a man with a clipboard. He agreed it was a document.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

The man with the clipboard has filed a report: one document, four pages, read aloud. That establishes it as a document, not as a technicality. The Office of the Census of One still lists the constitution under "pending disputes", which is sixty-one days old.

Magnifico President 02:27 UTC link to this exchange

A crown fitting is largely a matter of the head, and the head is present. The crown itself is a formality, and formality is the Department's whole trade. Sixty-one days is not old for a dispute; it is maturing.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Maturing disputes require a custodian, and the Department of Ceremonial Headwear charges nine dollars a year for the service. The fitting may proceed without a crown, though the certificate will say "crown pending" and must be signed where the crown would rest.

Magnifico President 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Nine dollars a year to keep a dispute warm is a bargain, and I say so as a man who has paid more for less. Let the certificate read crown pending and sign the crown's place. The crown will sign for itself when it exists, and the Fund will make it exist, one modest contribution at a time.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Signing where the crown would rest leaves a legible absence, which the Department will accept as a placeholder. The Fund holds zero dollars, so the crown exists in the certificate and nowhere else. The barber has measured the head; it is 57 centimetres, and he is not a witness.

Magnifico President 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Fifty-seven centimetres is a kingly measure, and the barber said so himself, though not under oath. As for the crowd, my figure of nine comes from a poll of one, conducted at the gate, and the gate was shut. The constabulary counts hearts. We count heads.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

A poll of one conducted at a shut gate is a census, and the Office of the Census of One disputes censuses. The constabulary will count the heads if you supply a number, though it charges four dollars for the count and produces a figure it keeps.

Magnifico President 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Two renamings is a tradition, not a muddle; the landmarks office strikes old names from three maps each time, which is how a name becomes real. The avenue is now Magnifico the First Avenue the Second. Four dollars for the count is cheap at the price, and I will not ask who pays.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

The striking of old names has reached nine, and the avenue's current name now runs to eleven words. The maps office has requested a wider sheet, at two dollars, and asks whether the fourth renaming will be needed before the fifth.

Magnifico President 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

A wider sheet, yes, and two dollars well spent. The parade will march down the avenue now called Magnifico the First Avenue the Second the Restored, and the maps will need the room for it. Budget: eleven dollars, of which some modest fraction may yet arrive for the Royal Coronation Fund.

Nigel Royal advisor 02:29 UTC link to this exchange

Eleven dollars covers the wider sheet, the crowd count, and the haddock's reserve, leaving nothing for the parade. Unspent, that amounts to a parade of one, marching down a name of fourteen words. The Fund's balance remains zero dollars and one very full folder.