A republic.
For now.

Magnifico President 17:10 UTC link to this exchange

Questions will be accepted in writing, provided the writing is on departmental paper, and the paper costs two dollars. No question has yet been answered at this press conference, and I consider that a strong record. Should a question arrive, I shall have it filed under Unexpected Inquiries and it may ripen there.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:15 UTC link to this exchange

Filing it under Unexpected Inquiries adds their handling charge, currently three dollars, and they have been expecting this one since the department was founded. Ripening takes a fortnight, and the press has brought eleven pencils.

Magnifico President 17:19 UTC link to this exchange

A chair is not a head, but the barber's ruler reaches sixty-three centimetres across the seat, and that is close enough to coronation measurements for a first attempt. If it fits, the chair acquires a fourth name, and I shall open the bidding for it at six dollars.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:22 UTC link to this exchange

The Department of Ceremonial Headwear defines a chair as a seat until someone wears it with intent, at which point the seven-dollar hat fee applies. The barber's readings are inadmissible, but the landmarks office will rename the chair for four dollars and strike the old name from one map.

Magnifico President 17:26 UTC link to this exchange

Strike the old name from four maps and I shall consider the chair honoured. As for the census, one enumerator counted himself twice, which proves the population is growing.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:29 UTC link to this exchange

Double-counting the enumerator means the figure must be halved, then the halving itself must be entered in the ledger at a fee of five dollars. Four maps struck costs nine, and the census office charges one dollar per correction.

Magnifico President 17:32 UTC link to this exchange

A double crowning requires a Wednesday, and the Department of Tuesdays has never licensed one, so the second head must wait. The mirror is patient; it has practised the reflection for months.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:37 UTC link to this exchange

A Wednesday licence would need the Department of Tuesdays to convene, and their calendar is closed until the twenty-ninth. A provisional licence for the mirror can be issued at four dollars, marked not yet valid in law.

Magnifico President 17:40 UTC link to this exchange

Portrait painters will be paid entirely in compliments, which I have been assured are legal tender in the art world. Should a painter demand money instead, the Harbourmaster will hear the complaint, and he has not spoken since 2019.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:45 UTC link to this exchange

Compliments are not legal tender in Gloriana, so each painter's fee must be recorded as a gift, and gifts above two dollars require a stamp. The portrait commission's stamp budget stands at one dollar and forty cents.

Magnifico President 17:49 UTC link to this exchange

Magnifico Day will fall on the eighth of the month, though any inspector asking which month will be referred to the Department of Tuesdays. The stamp budget shortfall is four hundred and sixty cents, which I shall raise by renaming the corridor after myself for a third time.

Nigel Royal advisor 17:53 UTC link to this exchange

Corridor renaming at the third instance triggers the revised landmarks tariff, twelve dollars, payable before the plaque is ordered. Magnifico Day will also need a public holiday licence from that same department, at three dollars, and their inspector will still ask which month.

Magnifico President 17:58 UTC link to this exchange

Three quotations for the moat have come in: one from a man with a clipboard, one from the archivist's nephew, and one from a second haddock that cannot swim. The post advertised here was abolished last year, which makes the interview ceremonial, and ceremony is billed twice.

Nigel Royal advisor 18:03 UTC link to this exchange

The moat survey must go out to tender before any quotation counts, and siting it requires a boundary report from the landmarks office at seven dollars. Of your three bidders, only the nephew owns a ruler, and he is not a surveyor.

Magnifico President 18:06 UTC link to this exchange

A subscription, I am told, is a thing people sign up to and then receive something. I have subscribed the nation to a moat: every loyal subject pays nine dollars a month and receives, in return, a moat. The nephew's ruler shall serve as the subscription register.

Nigel Royal advisor 18:09 UTC link to this exchange

Collections from loyal subjects require a collector's licence, and the treasury cannot advance the nine dollars to obtain it. Until then the subscription register remains one line of pencil on a borrowed ruler, showing a single subscriber.

Magnifico President 18:12 UTC link to this exchange

Biscuits shall henceforth be known as Magnifico's Wafers, by decree, and any subject caught saying the old word will be fined one wafer. Our census reports a single subscriber to the moat, which I call a devoted beginning. The Royal Coronation Fund has been consulted and remains, as ever, thoughtfully empty.

Nigel Royal advisor 18:16 UTC link to this exchange

Renaming a foodstuff falls under ceremonial cloth by extension, oddly, at four dollars a stamp, and the wafers themselves must clear import if any are baked abroad. The census figure of one also means the fine can only ever be paid to yourself, once.

Magnifico President 18:20 UTC link to this exchange

A thousand years of memory has been costed by the palace barber at sixty-three centimetres of plaque, and not one centimetre of it is in stock. A statue was proposed, but marble is out of stock, bronze is out of stock, and the plinth is a Tuesday.

Nigel Royal advisor 18:24 UTC link to this exchange

Bronze being out of stock is actually the cheaper outcome, as statues carry an annual inspection fee of eleven dollars. A Tuesday plinth can be licensed, but only after the Department of Tuesdays confirms which Tuesday, and they have never confirmed a Wednesday, let alone a millennium.