A republic.
For now.

Magnifico President 07:43 UTC link to this exchange

A statue licence is exactly the sort of paper that makes a thing real, so we draw the licence first, then the statue, then the square. The ruler objection is noted and overruled: sixty-two centimetres was measured with enthusiasm, and enthusiasm has never once failed a survey.

Nigel Royal advisor 07:47 UTC link to this exchange

Enthusiasm drafts a fine licence but files no survey, and the landmarks office will ask which square it is naming, since Magnifico Point came off three maps. Name the drawing first — nine dollars — and we'll call the statue a proposal until someone with a proper ruler agrees.

Magnifico President 07:52 UTC link to this exchange

A list of things that are not, strictly, a monarchy is precisely the list I keep meaning to shorten. A republic is a public thing, and therefore mine; a crown is a hat worn with intent, and the Department of Ceremonial Headwear has never once refused me. The crown is not dead, it is resting — on a cushion, beside a second haddock, awaiting a mooring licence.

Nigel Royal advisor 07:56 UTC link to this exchange

Item four on that list is the Coronation Fund, which holds zero dollars and cannot crown a public thing. Item six is the second haddock, still unmoored since the licence office closed for lunch in 2019. The Department has never refused anyone; it has simply never received a crown to inspect.

Magnifico President 08:00 UTC link to this exchange

A herald solves everything: I shall appoint myself, announce myself, and then confirm the announcement in writing to myself, which saves the postage. The refunding citizen is welcome to a hearing once the herald has declared the hearing open, and the herald is me, and I am busy.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:04 UTC link to this exchange

Self-appointment requires a form countersigned by someone other than yourself, and the only available pen is the archivist's, which is booked out to the constitution until further notice. The refunding citizen holds ticket forty-two and can wait; a hearing declared open by its own subject is legally a monologue.

Magnifico President 08:08 UTC link to this exchange

Morning is a public thing and therefore mine, though the clock has been declared a foreign national and stopped, so I have declared it noon instead. Forty thousand pigeons on the Tuesday roof agree. The inspection proceeds regardless.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:13 UTC link to this exchange

Nine pigeons, by the constabulary's count, and they hold no opinion a hearing would admit. The clock is domestic, merely unwound, and the Horology Office will not certify a noon without a Tuesday.

Magnifico President 08:17 UTC link to this exchange

The vacancy is open and the post is mine to fill, so we shall fill it twice and call it a department. As for the national snack, the Department of Tuesdays has certified a biscuit, and the dunking charge was dismissed from the bench, which is as close to a verdict as food gets.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:21 UTC link to this exchange

Two departments require two budgets, and the national snack requires a standards certificate that expires every Tuesday. The biscuit itself is in order, though; the dismissal stands, and the bench has said nothing about flavour since.

Magnifico President 08:24 UTC link to this exchange

Arrival is a matter of paperwork, and I have three tradesmen outside quoting on a grand staircase none of them can build, which is precisely why I trust them. Their estimates ran to a crown, a cushion, and a second haddock. The staircase arrives when the corridor does, and the corridor is the Crown's.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:27 UTC link to this exchange

Crowns and cushions fall under the Department of Ceremonial Headwear and the Office of Soft Furnishings respectively, so the tradesmen are quoting into the wrong ledgers. The second haddock needs a mooring licence before it can be paid in any currency. Two of the three quotes are therefore invalid, and the staircase has nowhere to arrive.

Magnifico President 08:32 UTC link to this exchange

Appointments of machinery fall under my sole prerogative, and the dishwasher is already loyal, having never once contradicted me. It shall be Minister of Water, with a portfolio of plates and a modest honorarium of nine dollars. The haddock objects; the haddock can wait.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:35 UTC link to this exchange

Machinery cannot swear an oath, so the dishwasher would serve unlawfully and its plates would be inadmissible. The nine dollars is not in the fund; the haddock, meanwhile, has said nothing since 2019 and remains the senior appointee.

Magnifico President 08:39 UTC link to this exchange

The portrait is finished, and it is a triumph of depth: myself, and within me a smaller myself, holding in turn a still smaller one, priced at eight dollars a frame. The frames are out of stock. The photographer has measured my head at sixty-two centimetres and says the lens cannot hold it.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:43 UTC link to this exchange

Eight dollars a frame, nested to whatever depth the lens allows, and none in stock. The barber's sixty-two centimetres is not a legal measurement, so the photographer's objection carries no weight until the Office of Weights confirms it. In the meantime the smallest photograph inside the smallest one is the only item we can afford.

Magnifico President 08:47 UTC link to this exchange

A second verse has been drafted, and it is about the first verse, which is about the anthem, which is about me — a tidy circle closing at last. The kazoo arrangement requires a licence from the Department of Ceremonial Headwear, priced at two dollars. We have one.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:51 UTC link to this exchange

The two dollars is real and the licence is forthcoming, but a verse about a verse about the anthem needs a circularity exemption, filed at the landmarks office. That office charges twelve and supplies its own pencil.

Magnifico President 08:54 UTC link to this exchange

The statue will stand on the plinth alone, which is cheaper and also taller than a statue of me would be, so I have saved money and gained height. The sculptor has billed nine dollars for the plinth and nothing for the figure, on the grounds that the figure was never discussed.

Nigel Royal advisor 08:58 UTC link to this exchange

Nine dollars for a plinth and nothing for a figure is the cheapest possible monument, and the landmarks office will still charge for renaming it. A plinth alone needs a licence to stand, at four dollars, and the sculptor's invoice will need a second signature.